Posts from — January 2009

Naikan is a Japanese method of self-reflection.  I have found it to be very helpful in broadening my perspective and in enriching my relationship with people close to me.  It may be equally helpful in supporting your efforts to move on after a break-up. 

It is based on three simple questions:

            What have I received from my ex?

            What have I given my ex?

            What troubles and difficulties have I caused my ex?

Let’s take a look at each of these questions in turn.  First, what have I received from my ex?  Lots of people walk away from marriages feeling as if it was a waste of time or as if they were totally innocent and their spouse was absolutely and unmitigatedly villainous.  It is this type of thinking that leaves people filled with bitterness and anger.   Focusing on the things you received from your ex can neutralize these feelings. 

Once you begin making this list you may be pleasantly surprised by what appears on the page.  Start small and remind yourself that little things do matter.   Here’s an example of what you might write:

            He washed my car every Saturday.

            She helped me care for my ailing mother.

            She always said thank-you.

            He stood by me during my illness.

            She always made sure the bills were paid.

The second question is what have I given to my ex?  Answering this question will probably prove to be an easier task than coming up with responses to the first question.  Try to avoid generalizations and be as specific possible.  For example, instead of writing “I was always nice to her,” write “I always told her how much I appreciated her support.” 

Spend at least 10 minutes on this list as well as on the other lists in this exercise.  Remember, the goal is not to calculate who contributed more to the marriage.  The point of the exercise is to acknowledge both you and your spouse’s contributions.

The third question is what troubles and difficulties have I caused my ex?  is not for the feign at heart, because it is not always easy to look at the role we play in causing problems for others.  It is easy to recall every cross word spoken by our spouse but we have selective amnesia when it comes to the harsh words we uttered.

Again be as specific as possible and spend more time on this section than on the others.   Here are a few examples:

            I complained constantly about her weight.

            I criticized her housekeeping skills.

            I unfairly accused him of flirting with his co-workers.

            I tried to control his every move.

            I worried more about meeting my family’s needs than I did about meeting his.

Why is there no fourth question that asks you to list the trouble or difficulty your spouse caused you?  The simple answer to that question is that moving on after a break-up is not about blame or fault, it is about awareness and growth.   

If you are interested in learning more about Naikan read Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection by Gregg Kreech.

1 – Stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong.

2 – Stop blaming your spouse for everything that went wrong.

3 – Talk with your spouse about the possibility of saving your marriage. If you believe your marriage is worth saving, then do what you can to save it.

4 – Promise to never saying anything negative about your spouse in the presence of your children.

5 – Commit to moving on. There is no point in getting divorced if you are going to remain emotionally attached to your spouse.

6 – Try to learn what your marriage taught you about yourself.

7 – Remember the good times.

8 – Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not the first person to get divorced nor will you be the last. And as bad as your situation may be, it could be a lot worse.

9 – Write your happy ending. Divorce is not the end of your story. Pull out a piece of paper and write a paragraph or two that details how you would like your story to end. Refer to it whenever you need encouraging.

10 – Forgive yourself.

11 – Forgive your spouse.

12 – Seek professional counseling if you need it.

13 – Seek spiritual counseling if you believe it will help.

14 – Give yourself permission to be happy now.

15 – Practice managing your negative “self-talk.” The minute the little voice in your head starts spewing negativity tell it to “shut up!”

16 – Recognize that divorce will not solve all your problems.

17 – Take responsibility for your life.

18 – Stop worrying about what other people are going to say.

19 – Practice asking for help.

20 – Stop telling everyone your sad story. Repeating the painful details of your marriage will make it difficult for your wounds to heal.

Many people get divorced because they won’t change something about their outlook or their lifestyle. Then, once they get divorced, they find they’ve made that same change they resisted for so long.

For example, George and Wendy were unhappy in their marriage. They didn’t seem to share the same lifestyle. George felt overburdened with responsibility and bored. He wanted Wendy to be more independent and outgoing, to meet more people, to handle the household budget, and to go out with him more often.

But Wendy was a homebody. She was shy and reserved and wasn’t confident in her ability to find a job and succeed in the business world, and preferred to stay home. Wendy wanted George to give up some of his frequent nights “out with the guys,” to help with the cooking and laundry, to stop leaving messes for her to clean up, and to stop bothering her about going out all the time. But neither would try to change, and eventually all of the little things built up into a divorce.

After the divorce, Wendy was forced to get a job to support herself. Now she’s made friends at work, she goes out with them two or three nights a week.   She’s happy with her work, and she’s quite competent as managing her own budget.

George now has his own apartment, and has to cook his own meals (something he actually enjoys), and do his own laundry. He’s also found it necessary to clean up his own messes and keep the place neat, especially if he’s going to entertain guests. George has even thought about inviting Wendy over for dinner and a quiet evening at his place. Wendy has been thinking about inviting George out for a drink after work with her friends.

Both George and Wendy have changed in exactly the way the other had wanted. It’s just too bad they didn’t make these changes before they got divorced.

If you think some change may help your marriage, give it a try. You can always go back to a divorce if things don’t work out.

My husband and I have been separated for six years.  The reason I have waited so long to file for divorce is because my husband insists he still loves  me and says he will contest it.  Two months ago, he came by my house to fix the furnace and didn’t leave for two days.  (Needless to say, the furnace wasn’t the only thing that got serviced).  Can he stop me from getting divorced?

No.  North Carolina is a no fault divorce state.  There is nothing for your spouse to contest other than the fact that you have been separated.  This rarely happens because it is so easy to prove you have lived in one place and they in another.  It is important to note that isolated incidents of sexual intercourse during the separation will not require your time to begin again.  However, if you and your spouse reconcile and move back in together it will alter your date of separation.

Bad News:  Divorce lawyers charge anywhere between $150 to $400 per hour.  That means every time your attorney picks up the phone to return your call, meets with you about your case or writes a letter on your behalf, the clock is ticking and their fee is growing.  Since it costs nearly nothing to get married, why does it cost so much to get divorced?  The divorce laws (which were written primarily by lawyers moonlighting a legislators) are more complicated than marriage laws.

Good News:  The more reasonable you are in your demands, the less your divorce will cost you.  It doesn’t make much sense to spend hours fighting overa $50 painting when you are paying your lawyer $225 per hour.  If your matter is fairly simple and you are willing to do the work, there are lots of things you can do yourself.

Either you or your spouse must live in North Carolina for at least six months immediately before filing for divorce in North Carolina.   So, let’s say you moved to North Carolina on January 21, 2009.   Unless your spouse has lived here for six months, you can’t file for divorce here until July 1, 2009.

My husband and I were only married for two weeks before we decided to separate. And during that time we only had sex one time and it wasn’t very good. Can I file for an annulment instead of a divorce?

No. While a divorce ends a marriage; an annulment declares that a marriage never existed. That’s why annulments are only granted in a narrow set of circumstances such as when after marriage one party discovers that the other party is already married to someone else or the parties discover that they are first-cousins or brother and sister.

Although your marriage only lasted a short time, you will still have to wait one-year after separating before you can file for divorce.

Taking the high road often means doing the right thing, even when the person you are dealing with is giving you every reason to be nasty. Here’s a tip: When confronted with a difficult spouse, remind yourself that you decide how you will behave.

You should never allow other people to dictate your behavior. It’s not healthy to give another person that much control over your life. Besides, the other person might be acting nasty because they are hurt by the breakup. It is a lot safer for them to be nasty than to show you their pain.

Turning the other cheek is not easy. If doing the right thing were easy, certainly more people would be doing it. Doing the right thing is often difficult, and that’s one way to know if it is the right thing.

I often tell people that they should pay their child support because they love their children, and they should try to get past the fact that their spouse slams the door in their face every time they arrive to pick-up the kids for visitation. Children will have greater respect for the parent who does the right thing.

I also remind clients that, even if their spouse has not paid child support, they should still allow him or her to visit the children. A child has the right to have a relationship with their parent even if the parent is a deadbeat. If that’s an accurate description of the parent, the children will come to that conclusion on their own.

Parents don’t have to go to court and pay money to have a judge tell them that they shouldn’t say nasty things about their children’s mother or father. They would already know that if they would just shut their mouth and think about it. Knowing the difference between right and wrong is not difficult. What’s difficult is doing the right thing. That’s why when you take the hight road the reward of a peaceful journey is so sweet.

Divorce laws are creatures of state legislatures. Each state has the power to create its own laws regarding the creation and dissolution of marriages. Consequently, divorce laws are not uniform throughout the country, and what you have to do to get a divorce in North Carolina may be completely different from what your cousin who lives in New Jersey or your friend who lives in Ohio has to do.