Posts from — October 2009

1.  The same reason people eat three cupcakes three hours after going on a diet.

2.  The same reason people go out and buy a 50″ television one week after declaring bankruptcy.

3.  The same reason people stop going to the gym two weeks after paying for a one-year membership.

4.  The same reason people light up a cigarette on the way home from the funeral of someone who died of lung cancer.

5.  The same reason people drink beer the morning after attending an AA meeting.

6.  The same reason people reward kids with candy for behaving at the dentist’s office.

7.  The same reason people allow their teenager to go out with friends one hour after telling them they are grounded for life.

8.  The same reason people go to church every Sunday and ask God to forgive them for the same things they asked him to forgive them for last week.

Stay encouraged.  Be Calm.  Move forward.

1.  Your children.  Children should be allowed to be children.  Children should turn to adults for advice and not the other way around.   

Burdening them with adult issues  is not in their best interest.  They do not have the maturity to consider the consequences of what you are asking them to decide.

Think about it.  You are basically asking them to choose between their parents.  This is a difficult choice and the weight of which is more than most children  can bear.

Besides what happens to your relationship with them them if they suggest you leave and you decide to stay with your spouse.  Or, what if they want you stay in the marriage and you decide to hit the road.

2.   Your lover or mistress.  The person you are cheating on your spouse with lacks the objectivity needed to offer any useful insight on whether you should end your marriage. 

If they encourage you to stay with your spouse how do you know they are not making this suggestion because they fear if you get divorced you will expect them to make a commitment they are not ready to make.

And if you consult them and follow their advice to end your marriage, they may expect you to make a commitment to them you are not ready to make.

3.  An attorney.  There are lots of things attorney’s can do for you.  An attorney can advise you regarding the legal ramifications of dissolving your marriage. 

An attorney can ensure that the law is properly applied, that your rights are protected and that you are treated fairly. 

An attorney can prepare and handle the legal paperwork and present your case to the judge.  An attorney can do these things because that is what they are trained to do.

They are not trained to help you decide whether your marriage is worth saving.

Chapter One

I open my email.
There is a nasty message in the inbox.
I read it.
I am confused… I am angry.
I can’t control myself.
It takes all day before I can forget it.

Chapter Two

I open my email.
There is a nasty message in the inbox.
I read it again.
I don’t know why I am allowing this to upset me.
But, I can’t control myself.
It still takes all day before I can forget it.

Chapter Three

I open the same email.
There is a nasty message in the inbox.
I knew that it was a nasty message.
I still read it… but, I realize I am addicted to the drama.
I am part of the problem.
I accept responsibility for my reactions.
I forget the message and refocus my energies.

Chapter Four

I open the same email.
There is a nasty message in the inbox.
I quickly delete the message.

Chapter Five

I change me email address.

Remember that adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes it’s jewels with.  — Unknown

I would be rich woman, if I earned a dollar every time I have heard someone who is in the process of filing for divorce say, “I am not worried about this or I don’t need to take that precaution because my spouse would never do this or they would never do that.”

After 20 years of practicing law,  my response to this statement has not changed.  It goes something like this :  You don’t know what he or she is going to do.  Because if you could have predicted that he or she was going to do some of the stuff  he or she did to cause your marriage to break-down there is an excellent chance you would have never married them in the first place.

The reason people are convinced that they know what their spouse will or won’t do during the divorce is because they mistakenly believe that  the person they married is the same person they are divorcing.

But this isn’t true. 

The man or woman you are divorcing is not the same man or woman you married.  If they were the same, there is a good chance you would not be getting divorced.

Treating them the same can be a mistake.  Here are three reasons why:

1.   Assuming the person you married would look out for your best interests makes sense.  Assuming the person you are divorcing will look out for your best interest is crazy.

2.   The person you married probably didn’t have a lawyer advising them about your wedding vows.  The person you are divorcing probably has consulted with an attorney about what they should say and do in order to end your marriage in way that works best for them.

3.  The person you married didn’t have to pay you money to get married.  The person you are divorcing may have to pay you money to end your marriage.  Money can sometimes bring out the worst in people.

Some people are reluctant to acknowledge that there is a difference between the person they married and the person they are divorcing because they don’t want to create unnecessary conflict.   

No doubt, unecessary conflict should always be avoided.  That’s why I encourage my clients to be reasonable and to always treat their spouse with respect, especially if they have kids. 

Let me be clear.  I am not suggesting that you should treat the person you are divorcing like they were a member of the Taliban.  

The point I am trying to make is not that you should assume the worse about your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

My point is that you should assume nothing.

State law requires that the person seeking a restraining order must be in or have been in a personal relationship with the person they are seeking a restraining order against.

For purposes of state law, personal relationship means a relationship where the parties involved:

1.  Are current spouses or former spouses

2.  Are persons of the opposite sex who live together or have lived together

3.  Are related as parents and children, including people who are caring for children that are not their own and grandparents and grandchildren

4.  Have a child in common

5.  Are current or former household members

6.  Are persons of the opposite sex who are in a dating relationship or have been in a dating relationship.  A dating relationship is one where the parties are romantically involved over time or on a continuous basis during the course of the relationship.  A casual acquaintance or ordinary interaction between persons in a business or social context is not a dating relationship.

Do not fear the winds of adversity:  A kite rises against the wind rather than with it.  — Unknown

This is an important question.  But, before you answer this question take a look at how the North Carolina legislature defines domestic violence.

Domestic violence is the commission of one or more of the following acts upon you or a child living with you by someone with whom you have or have had a personal relationship:

1.  Attempting to cause bodily injury or intentionally causing bodily injury; or

2.  Placing you or a member of your family or household in fear of imminent serious bodily injury or continued harassment to the extent that it rises to such a level as to inflict substantial emotional distress; or

3.  Committing any act of rape.

 After reading how the law defines domestic violence, I hope it is clear that you don’t have to wait until he hits you before you take action.  If you live in constact fear of being hit, then the answer to the question I raised above is yes.

Your financial and relationship problems are not your problem.

Not seeking a solution to your financial and relationship problems is your real problem.