Learn To Divorce Yourself

When the winds of change feel too strong, close your eyes and let the breeze blow through your hair. — Unknown

That’s the name of a new book I just finished.  Over the course this month, I am going to publish each chapter in eleven separate installments.   This first installment is the introduction from the book which let you know what the book is all about.  I will publish Chapter One on Thursday, December 3rd.

Introduction - A Note to Readers

Madonna (not her real name) attended a divorce workshop I conducted at a local library. 

She raised her hand near the end of the program, when I announced we only had time for one final question.

“After forty years of marriage, my husband put me out of the house.  How does a woman with no money or no job start over?” she asked.

Madonna’s question caught me off guard; I’ve conducted dozens of workshops but she was the first person to ask that question.

After almost 20 years of practicing law, I was qualified to answer legal questions like, “Is the fact that I think my husband is crazy grounds for divorce?” and “If I strap a refrigerator to my husband’s back and throw him down the stairs can I plead temporary insanity?” 

Because I was not prepared to respond to Madonna’s question I tried to offer her a few words of encouragement. But I left the library regretting that I could not have been more helpful.

That night I went to bed determined to come up with a good answer to Madonna’s question.

The next morning I woke up and started writing this book.

I wish I could promise you that the simple act of reading this book could pay your bills or put money in your pocket.

So what’s in it for you?

My hope is that reading this book will make you feel better about your future and your finances. And once you start to feel better, I hope you will then begin taking whatever steps are needed to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and bail yourself out!

Be happy.  Be hopeful.  Be grateful.

Be patient with yourself.  Everything is difficult before it becomes easy.

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily tasks, go to sleep in peace.  - Victor Hugo

1.  Never ever discuss child support with your children.

2.  Never ever say unto your children what you wouldn’t want said unto you.

3.  Never ever use your ex’s bad behavior to justify your bad behavior.

4.  Never ever fight about your children in front of your children.

5.  Never ever let your feelings  about your ex blind you to what’s best for your children.

6.  Never ever try to turn your children against your ex.

7.  Never ever blame everything that goes wrong on your ex.

8.  Never ever fail to take responsibility for your share of your drama.

9.  Never ever forget that your kids only get one childhood.

10.  Never ever forget that divorce doesn’t doom children to a life a ruin.  Parents who keep fighting after the divorce is what dooms children to a life of ruin.

Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.  — Lyndon B. Johnson

1.  The same reason people eat three cupcakes three hours after going on a diet.

2.  The same reason people go out and buy a 50″ television one week after declaring bankruptcy.

3.  The same reason people stop going to the gym two weeks after paying for a one-year membership.

4.  The same reason people light up a cigarette on the way home from the funeral of someone who died of lung cancer.

5.  The same reason people drink beer the morning after attending an AA meeting.

6.  The same reason people reward kids with candy for behaving at the dentist’s office.

7.  The same reason people allow their teenager to go out with friends one hour after telling them they are grounded for life.

8.  The same reason people go to church every Sunday and ask God to forgive them for the same things they asked him to forgive them for last week.

Stay encouraged.  Be Calm.  Move forward.

1.  Your children.  Children should be allowed to be children.  Children should turn to adults for advice and not the other way around.   

Burdening them with adult issues  is not in their best interest.  They do not have the maturity to consider the consequences of what you are asking them to decide.

Think about it.  You are basically asking them to choose between their parents.  This is a difficult choice and the weight of which is more than most children  can bear.

Besides what happens to your relationship with them them if they suggest you leave and you decide to stay with your spouse.  Or, what if they want you stay in the marriage and you decide to hit the road.

2.   Your lover or mistress.  The person you are cheating on your spouse with lacks the objectivity needed to offer any useful insight on whether you should end your marriage. 

If they encourage you to stay with your spouse how do you know they are not making this suggestion because they fear if you get divorced you will expect them to make a commitment they are not ready to make.

And if you consult them and follow their advice to end your marriage, they may expect you to make a commitment to them you are not ready to make.

3.  An attorney.  There are lots of things attorney’s can do for you.  An attorney can advise you regarding the legal ramifications of dissolving your marriage. 

An attorney can ensure that the law is properly applied, that your rights are protected and that you are treated fairly. 

An attorney can prepare and handle the legal paperwork and present your case to the judge.  An attorney can do these things because that is what they are trained to do.

They are not trained to help you decide whether your marriage is worth saving.